Lance Armstrong Is Getting Married

May 24, 2017 / Posted by:

I’m sure you missed the engagement ring on Lance Armstrong’s lady’s hand because you were too transfixed by the lens flares that make it look like she’s shooting streams of liquid hot magma into his chest. But yes, she’s wearing that type on ring on her marriage finger.

Cycling scam artist Lance Armstrong announced yesterday on Instagram that he was getting married to his longtime girlfriend Anna Hansen. Lance posted the above pic with the caption: “She said….YES!” You know, just once I’d love to see a celebrity break from tradition and Instagram a picture of a ring box in the trash with a caption that says: “She said NO #tears #sadness #foreveralone.

Lance and Anna have been together for almost nine years. They have two kids together (Max, 7, and Olivia, 6). Lance has three teenagers from his first marriage to Kristin Richard. He was also once engaged to Sheryl Crow.

A little over two years ago, Anna took the fall for Lance after they left a party in Aspen, CO and he hit two parked cars with his SUV. Lance finally owned up to it after Anna told police she was covering for Lance to prevent his pristine reputation from being dragged through the news. That was very ride-or-die of Anna. I hope that if Lance and Anna write their own vows, he remembers to include something about that. “I Lance, take you Anna, to be my forever accomplice on this journey called life. I promise that whenever I need an excuse, I’ll always come to you first baby. You’ll always be buckled into the passenger seat of my heart…unless I fuck up, in which case you’ll switch seats with me, right?

Pic: Instagram

Tyra Banks Is Named In “America’s Got Talent” Lawsuit

May 24, 2017 / Posted by:

One of the biggest problems with our current society is everyone’s thirst for instant fame. I blame people like Tyra Banks, who decided years ago it would be fun to take regular mu’fuckas, throw them on TV and make them famous during everyone’s favorite smizing hour, America’s Next Top Model.

Well, thankfully, karma has delivered its invoice to Tyra in the form of a lawsuit aimed at the producers of her newest gig, America’s Got Talent.

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Katy Perry Isn’t Ashamed Of Her $25 Million Paycheck For “American Idol”

May 24, 2017 / Posted by:

Katy Perry is the first (and so far only) person to have officially signed on to judge the next wave of desperate singing superstars on ABC’s reboot of American Idol. It was rumored she was earning a pretty penny for it. Actually, it was more like 2,500,000,000 pennies (aka $25 million). Sources told TMZ that ABC was desperate to sign a name, and Katy had all the leverage in negotiating a huge pay check. Katy recently confirmed the rumors were true about her Idol paycheck.

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Open Post And Programming Note: Hosted By Maru’s Tenth Birthday! 

May 24, 2017 / Posted by:

For the past few weeks, I’ve been at my mom’s house, helping her pack up nearly 40 years of stuff she’s collected since moving in here. (“I haven’t lived here for 40 years! That’s impossible since I’m only 42!” – my mom) So basically, I’ve been living in an episode of Hoarders, but not nearly AS bad and without the cat carcasses and old garage refrigerator filled with moth-eaten kids clothes she swears she’s going to gift to someone.

Today is finally moving day, so I’ll be in and out of Dlisted until next Tuesday. Ben is covering for me and everything should be back to normal on Tuesday…. unless my mom has me arrested after finding out that I sneakily threw away the dozens of dry cleaning hangers she kept and packed. That’s entirely possible.

So before I end up in jail for dry cleaning hanger theft, let me post this video of one of the internet’s first sweethearts, the box-loving pussy Maru. Today is Maru’s 10th birthday and his human celebrated with some of his greatest hits.

And after weeks of packing and after seeing that pussy stuff himself in a box, I never want to see a cardboard box ever ever again!

Pic: YouTube

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Nicki Minaj And Nas May Be A Couple

May 24, 2017 / Posted by:

Whenever I think of Nicki Minaj, I automatically picture the black version of Rapunzel with a weave so long, my nieces could play Double Dutch from opposite ends of the street. And with her ass so overly inflated, I’m surprised she hasn’t floated far, far away to dine with Shrek, Fiona and Donkey yet. In other words, she’s saying “go away now I’m tired of you.”

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