Ciara Renee (28)
Rebecca Ferguson (35)
Gillian Jacobs (36)
Jason Reitman (41)
Omar Gooding (42)
Desmond Harrington (42)
Chris Kattan (48)
John Edward (49)
Trey Parker (49)
Jon Favreau (52)
Evander Holyfield (56)
Floyd Mayweather, Sr. (66)
Annie Golden (67)
John Lithgow (73)
Michael Gambon (78)
Sylvia Browne (1936-2013)
Robert Reed (1932-1992)
…..walk into a bar.
At the tippity top of the episode, I beg the universe and ask Allison to please pray for me to win the Mega Millions and Power Ball lotteries. I promise to do good with the money by preserving art (read: buying the rights to The Golden Girls so nobody can reboot it) and also using some to try to buy the love of a man who will never look at me even if I threw $970 million at him. Then Allison and I get into Roseanne’s disgust over how ABC killed her character, Keira Knightley and Kristen Bell’s disgust over some princess stories, and a high school student’s disgust over a classmate allegedly giving him a cookie spiked with her grandaddy’s ashes. The topics of Sex Dolls modeled after a dead spouse and Kleenex cum rags also come up (pun intended), so clearly this episode was co-produced by The New York Times.
We end by asking you all to send in scary stories for our Halloween episode. No, you watching the news while sober isn’t a scary story. Actually it is, but that’s not the kind of scary story we’re looking for. E-mail us at email@example.com if you’ve got one!
Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Kleenex, are changing the name of their “Mansize” tissues to “Kleenex Extra Large” after complaints about sexism. So that means that when a bro busts a nut, he’s going to have to use a lady Kleenex since man Kleenexes don’t exist anymore. And that means that their totally manly jizz is going to knock up Kleenexes and we’re going to have a bunch of unwanted little Kleenex babies running around everywhere. Thanks a lot, feminists! – Pajiba
In other words, there’s millions of people out there (or thousands since a movie ticket costs like $1,000 each nowadays) who have that damn “aaaahm off da deeeeep eeeeend” song stuck in the crevices of their brain like me – Lainey Gossip
Aubrey O’Day is looking more and more like an off-brand, factory-defected Kardashian rubber doll, which means she’s looking way hotter and more elegant than the Kardashians themselves – Drunken Stepfather
Poke at me (wink wink) when scientists come up with a pill that self-lubricates your b-hole – Towleroad
If Jeff Lewis uses Grindr, it’s going to crash every time he opens it up, because he just messed with a higher-up member of the Gay Mafia – Reality Tea
I don’t know if Naomi Osaka got herself a date with Michael B. Jordan, but I do know that she got him to show everyone his nipples again, and for that I thank her – Celebitchy
Dakota Johnson is serving tons of fucking sequins with a side of “again, I ain’t pregnant, bitches” – Popoholic
J.K. Rowling previously informed the world that Dumbledore from Harry Potter is gay, and we should have known from the time he asked Snape to have all the third years whip up a batch of Back Door Lube in Potions class. OK, fine, that didn’t actually happen, but someone should really use that to write a fan fiction. Before any sticks in the mud could say, “Merlin’s beard, I’m ANGRY!” there was talk that the upcoming Fantastic Beasts sequel would simply allude to Dumbledore being into the D. The trailer later confirmed this. Ezra Miller, who plays Credence Barebone (teehee), says that ain’t true, and the movie makes it VERY evident Dumbledore spent many a-night at the Eagle in Diagon Alley.
It’s time for Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin to check off the next box on their newlyweds to-do list. The first was to keep quiet for as long as possibly regarding their marriage, and apparently numbers two and three are to confirm their marriage to strangers and consider purchasing the home that a fellow pop star recently overdosed in. So romantic.
Brand Beckham is not one to be fucked with, so that’s why I figured David and Victoria Beckham have managed to be married for 19 years. Nobody wants just one Beckham, so they’re like Olsen twins who occasionally bone and produce offspring. Try not to think about that one for too long. ANYWAY, the Beckhams are plagued with divorce and cheating rumors about as often as Donald Trump fires off a Tweet about, ah, anything. I figured the Beckhams had their bouts of genuine marital strife but usually only about who got first dibs on the hair straightener that day. David had a sit-down with Australian TV and came clean that marriage ain’t easy. Le duh!